English: NASA StarChild image of Stephen Hawking. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
In a recent discovery, Stephen Hawking identified a newly developed genetic mutation in men he coined the Rainbow Gene. Hawking believes this mutation has evolved as a natural result of overpopulation.
In his laboratory notes, Hawking observes that the Rainbow Gene is unquestionably the “finest coifed gene in the double-helix.” He predicts it will cause all men to become bi-sexual by 2016. And by 2020, Hawking estimates that all men will evolve into “full-fledged gaydom.”
Hawking unveiled his findings at a recent TED Talk at Cambridge University, where he had long been a professor of Mathematics. Hawking’s fear of overpopulation has forced him into early retirement where he now obsessively researches the human genome. Continue reading →
Thurmond Jones, a 63 year old retired lumberjack from Hood River, Oregon is causing a stir with his vocal protest of hipsters wearing flannels.
Speaking at town hall meetings and on his popular YouTube channel, Thurmond is determined to get word out about hipsters’ misuse of the lumberjack uniform. “Back in the day, we lumberjacks wore flannels like Hell’s Angel’s wear ‘Deadhead’ patches. Only real lumberjacks got to wear them; it was like being in a gang. If we caught some wannabe lumberjack square bear with no hair on his chest sporting a flannel in our woods, we’d rip that shirt right off his back and make him keester an ax handle. You disrespect the ax we’d lumberjack you up.” Continue reading →
In an attempt to make Latin Americans feel more welcome in San Francisco, the Golden Gate Bridge district board of directors passed a measure that will allow commuters to pay tolls using pesos. Taking effect May 1st, the measure will also be in conjunction with the renaming and rededication of the bridge, to be called: The Golden Gate Bridge to Diversity.
Tollbooth operators began rigorous training this week on converting the $6 dollar toll fee into pesos. Veteran tollbooth employee, Frank Harry, said “I always strive to be a good employee; but, I just don’t think it’s right charging people 73 pesos to cross the bridge. It’s literally highway robbery. I’m a San Francisco native and a firm believer in equality. So whether you’re paying with dollars or pesos the toll should be equal. It’s only fair.” Continue reading →
Hugo Chavez, Venezuela’s greatest leader and singer is dead, along with many Venezuelans hope for the future. Before Chavez, Venezuela was renowned as “the world’s most mediocre country,” but Chavez’s forward thinking and pitch-perfect voice allowed Venezuela’s exports to skyrocket and its murder rate to drop exponentially.
Chavez was a modest, loving man whose witticisms rivaled those of Oscar Wilde. China’s president Hu Jintao claimed that once Chavez had the U.N. council “rolling on the floor laughing” after a string of quips about fossil fuels and human rights. Continue reading →
In a press conference yesterday from his home in Janesville, WI, Representative Paul Ryan announced his intent to purchase a mint 1988 TMNT Leonardo action figure from the online auction website eBay.
“I have a deep respect for all of our nation’s heroes,” said Ryan, “but we must also remember our heroes in a half shell. Decades ago four teenage turtles encountered a toxic ooze that transformed them into humanoid turtle people. And just as our troops are fighting the good battle against al-Qaeda and the Muslim hordes, together these turtles battled tirelessly against Shredder and his goons so that today we may enjoy the benefits of freedom.” Continue reading →
One thing most people don’t know about Zero Dark Thirty is: KATHERYN BIG-OL’-HO STOLE IT FROM ME!!!! Yep, that’s right! Big-ol’-ho hijacked my script and I demand recognition, as well as an Oscar (assuming she/I win one). Zero Dark Thirty was essentially my idea! The main difference between my script and hers is that mine is based on a True Story about my uncle Francis T. Burglebarker, titled: Francis Turns Thirty.
Four years ago I regretfully sent Kathryn Big-ol’-ho my only copy of Francis Turns Thirty in hopes of getting it produced. All I received back from her was a “thank you” card covered in kittens that said: “Thanks for the script. I’m not sure if you’ve seen the Hurt Locker, but I kinda only make good (emphasis on good) movies. Good luck with your sucky script and life. Love, Kat.” Continue reading →
Steven Spielberg, director de la película Lincoln (Photo credit: Casa de América)
A more apropos tagline for Lincoln might be: “Four snores and seven beers ago” –because seriously, not even a 6-pack could make this movie even mildly entertaining. Believe me, I tried.
The fact that Lincoln is arguably the worst documentary of the 21st century raises a bigger question: how long are we going to let this Spielturd keep shoveling his fecal-coated films down our throats until we finally rise up and say, “Spielturd, we’ve had enough.” He’s been making movies for—how many centuries now? and has yet to produce/direct one watchable film.
Here are a few examples:
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom— A.K.A. Tomb Raider Why haven’t more people mentioned the fact that Spielturd unabashedly stole Tomb Raider and mutated it into the stinking pile of feces we know today as The Temple of Doom. The only perceivable differences between these two films are: A) The sex of Indiana Jones and Lara Croft. Apparently, Spielturd doesn’t believe that women can be heroes, too—what a sexist crackerjack. B) The Temple of Doom, unlike Tomb Raider, perpetuates racist stereotypes such as “Orientals” only eat monkey brains and snake guts for dinner. I’ll have you know, Spielturd, my best friend Hadji (and no, he didn’t star in Jonny Quest) is an Oriental, and he was appalled by your depiction of his people. Probably the only historically accurate thing in The Temple of Doom is during the 1930s, 65% of Orientals, according to Hadji, performed human sacrifices to fake Gods, similar to the “Kali-ma” scene Indiana witnesses. But now, according to Hadji, only 15% of Orientals perform these sacrificial rituals; and for the record, that number is constantly declining. Continue reading →