Tag Archives: news

Paul Ryan Announces Bid for Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Action Figure

Paul Ryan

Paul Ryan (Photo credit: Gage Skidmore)

In a press conference yesterday from his home in Janesville, WI, Representative Paul Ryan announced his intent to purchase a mint 1988 TMNT Leonardo action figure from the online auction website eBay.

“I have a deep respect for all of our nation’s heroes,” said Ryan, “but we must also remember our heroes in a half shell.  Decades ago four teenage turtles encountered a toxic ooze that transformed them into humanoid turtle people. And just as our troops are fighting the good battle against al-Qaeda and the Muslim hordes, together these turtles battled tirelessly against Shredder and his goons so that today we may enjoy the benefits of freedom.”  Continue reading

Advertisements

The Pope Admits Fondling Boys Is Not For Everyone

English: Pope Benedict XVI

English: Pope Benedict XVI (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

After a long series of abuse scandals plagued the Catholic Church, Pope Benedict XVI is stepping down.  “I admit, fondling boys is not for everyone,” the Pope said to Diego Fellini with Vatican Weekly. “But let’s not forget, it’s their life and it’s not like they’re ‘hurting’ anyone.” 

Fellini asked the Pope what he thought about the trauma some of these boys are experiencing.  “Personally, I’ve never been a fan of whiners,” the Pope said.  “These boys talk as if being tenderly touched by a man of the cloth is the same as being crucified as you know who!  I’m tired of people crying over spilled milk, which is just one more reason I’m retiring.”

Later in the interview, Fellini inquired why some Priests get too “handsy” with the boys.  “It’s simple,” the Pope said.  “They’re bored. What
these Priests did is no different than throwing Continue reading

McDonald’s Confesses the McRib is Made from Horse Meat

Photo of McDonald's McRib.

Photo of McDonald’s McRib. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

McDonald’s has long claimed the mysterious meaty-substance inside the McRib is pork-shoulder, but new DNA evidence from Consumer Reports reveals McDonald’s savory little secret:  The McRib is made from horse meat.

This disturbing news feels reminiscent of that scene from Soylent Green where New Yorkers discover the tasty green wafers they’ve all been enjoying are really made from ground-up people—but perhaps this is even worse.  Now millions of McRibbies must face the fact they’ve been chomping on horseflesh this whole time.  But as one McRibbie put it while chewing into a McRib, “This is highly upsetting—yet, extremely delicious.” Continue reading

Carnival Cruise Requests Donations from Marooned Passengers

Carnival Cruise Lines

Carnival Cruise Lines (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Carnival Cruise is currently requesting donations from passengers who were left stranded on a broken-down cruise ship for three extra days in the heart of the Arctic Ocean.      

Carnival spokesman Chezy Leibowitz claims, “Carnival Cruise did not originally agree on giving passengers an extended three day vacation before setting sail. We’ve heard a lot of griping from some of these passengers, but they weren’t complaining while they enjoyed an additional three days of complimentary pizza, soda, a round of miniature golf—not to mention free room and board on the best cruise ship in the business.  I mean, come on! I’m sorry they had to enjoy fun in the Artic sun for an extended period!  Only in America do people whine about having to stay on vacation longer or missing an episode of survivor.”    Continue reading