Speaking at town hall meetings and on his popular YouTube channel, Thurmond is determined to get word out about hipsters’ misuse of the lumberjack uniform. “Back in the day, we lumberjacks wore flannels like Hell’s Angel’s wear ‘Deadhead’ patches. Only real lumberjacks got to wear them; it was like being in a gang. If we caught some wannabe lumberjack square bear with no hair on his chest sporting a flannel in our woods, we’d rip that shirt right off his back and make him keester an ax handle. You disrespect the ax we’d lumberjack you up.” Continue reading
In an attempt to make Latin Americans feel more welcome in San Francisco, the Golden Gate Bridge district board of directors passed a measure that will allow commuters to pay tolls using pesos. Taking effect May 1st, the measure will also be in conjunction with the renaming and rededication of the bridge, to be called: The Golden Gate Bridge to Diversity.
Tollbooth operators began rigorous training this week on converting the $6 dollar toll fee into pesos. Veteran tollbooth employee, Frank Harry, said “I always strive to be a good employee; but, I just don’t think it’s right charging people 73 pesos to cross the bridge. It’s literally highway robbery. I’m a San Francisco native and a firm believer in equality. So whether you’re paying with dollars or pesos the toll should be equal. It’s only fair.” Continue reading
VATICAN CITY—Cardinal Peter Turkson of Ghana misinterprets the black smoke released from the Sistine Chapel as sign that he was elected the new pope.
Cardinal Turkson was enjoying a cappuccino at his favorite Vatican café when he noticed black smoke billow from the chimney of the Sistine Chapel. “Obviously, I thought it was a sign,” Turkson said. “I mean, it was black smoke. I understood there would be smoke to tell tourists something about the new pope, so I just put two and two together.”
Cardinal Turkson admits that he immediately ran into the Sistine Chapel to claim his title as the first Black Pope. There, he quickly discovered that it simply meant a failed ballot. After learning the news, Turkson reportedly said, “Whatever, I’m over it. I only threw my name in the pope hat because I was bored; I’ve got plenty of stuff to do Continue reading
In an exclusive New Porker interview, the artist formerly known as Bob Ross reveals he faked his 1995 death so that he could pursue his true calling: as the enigmatic, graffiti provocateur, Banksy.
Ross is best known for his PBS series The Joy of Painting, where he taught audiences how to paint landscapes and small animals. “In the beginning, I was just happy to be making a living painting,” Ross said, stroking his rescued hedgehog Tonto, in an undisclosed bunker in London. “But PBS took advantage of my passion for art and locked me into a lifetime contract, or as I called it: indentured servitude. I was shackled to their corporate canvas.” Continue reading
Hugo Chavez, Venezuela’s greatest leader and singer is dead, along with many Venezuelans hope for the future. Before Chavez, Venezuela was renowned as “the world’s most mediocre country,” but Chavez’s forward thinking and pitch-perfect voice allowed Venezuela’s exports to skyrocket and its murder rate to drop exponentially.
Chavez was a modest, loving man whose witticisms rivaled those of Oscar Wilde. China’s president Hu Jintao claimed that once Chavez had the U.N. council “rolling on the floor laughing” after a string of quips about fossil fuels and human rights. Continue reading
After a long series of abuse scandals plagued the Catholic Church, Pope Benedict XVI is stepping down. “I admit, fondling boys is not for everyone,” the Pope said to Diego Fellini with Vatican Weekly. “But let’s not forget, it’s their life and it’s not like they’re ‘hurting’ anyone.”
Fellini asked the Pope what he thought about the trauma some of these boys are experiencing. “Personally, I’ve never been a fan of whiners,” the Pope said. “These boys talk as if being tenderly touched by a man of the cloth is the same as being crucified as you know who! I’m tired of people crying over spilled milk, which is just one more reason I’m retiring.”
Later in the interview, Fellini inquired why some Priests get too “handsy” with the boys. “It’s simple,” the Pope said. “They’re bored. What
these Priests did is no different than throwing Continue reading
McDonald’s has long claimed the mysterious meaty-substance inside the McRib is pork-shoulder, but new DNA evidence from Consumer Reports reveals McDonald’s savory little secret: The McRib is made from horse meat.
This disturbing news feels reminiscent of that scene from Soylent Green where New Yorkers discover the tasty green wafers they’ve all been enjoying are really made from ground-up people—but perhaps this is even worse. Now millions of McRibbies must face the fact they’ve been chomping on horseflesh this whole time. But as one McRibbie put it while chewing into a McRib, “This is highly upsetting—yet, extremely delicious.” Continue reading