Category Archives: Movies

“Zero Dark Thirty” Review: Kathryn Big-ol’-ho Stole My Movie!

One thing most people don’t know about Zero Dark Thirty is: KATHERYN BIG-OL’-HO STOLE IT FROM ME!!!! Yep, that’s right! Big-ol’-ho hijacked my script and I demand recognition, as well as an Oscar (assuming she/I win one). Zero Dark Thirty was essentially my idea!  The main difference between my script and hers is that mine is based on a True Story about my uncle Francis T. Burglebarker, titled: Francis Turns Thirty. 

Four years ago I regretfully sent Kathryn Big-ol’-ho my only copy of Francis Turns Thirty in hopes of getting it produced. All I received back from her was a “thank you” card covered in kittens that said: “Thanks for the script.  I’m not sure if you’ve seen the Hurt Locker, but I kinda only make good (emphasis on good) movies. Good luck with your sucky script and life.  Love, Kat.” Continue reading

Steven Spielturd’s “Lincoln” (Stinkoln) Review: Worst Documentary of the 21st Century

Steven Spielberg, director de la película Lincoln

Steven Spielberg, director de la película Lincoln (Photo credit: Casa de América)

A more apropos tagline for Lincoln might be: “Four snores and seven beers ago” –because seriously, not even a 6-pack could make this movie even mildly entertaining. Believe me, I tried.

The fact that Lincoln is arguably the worst documentary of the 21st century raises a bigger question: how long are we going to let this Spielturd keep shoveling his fecal-coated films down our throats until we finally rise up and say, “Spielturd, we’ve had enough.” He’s been making movies for—how many centuries now? and has yet to produce/direct one watchable film.

Here are a few examples:

  1. Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom— A.K.A. Tomb Raider
    Why haven’t more people mentioned the fact that Spielturd unabashedly stole Tomb Raider and mutated it into the stinking pile of feces we know today as The Temple of Doom. The only perceivable differences between these two films are: A) The sex of Indiana Jones and Lara Croft. Apparently, Spielturd doesn’t believe that women can be heroes, too—what a sexist crackerjack. B) The Temple of Doom, unlike Tomb Raider, perpetuates racist stereotypes such as “Orientals” only eat monkey brains and snake guts for dinner. I’ll have you know, Spielturd, my best friend Hadji (and no, he didn’t star in Jonny Quest) is an Oriental, and he was appalled by your depiction of his people. Probably the only historically accurate thing in The Temple of Doom is during the 1930s, 65% of Orientals, according to Hadji, performed human sacrifices to fake Gods, similar to the “Kali-ma” scene Indiana witnesses. But now, according to Hadji, only 15% of Orientals perform these sacrificial rituals; and for the record, that number is constantly declining.  Continue reading