Category Archives: Politics

Venmo Hates Cuba: My Three Year Feud with Venmo Compliance

African Cardinal Mistakes Black Smoke As Victory

English: Cardinal Peter Turkson: (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

VATICAN CITY—Cardinal Peter Turkson of Ghana misinterprets the black smoke released from the Sistine Chapel as sign that he was elected the new pope.

Cardinal Turkson was enjoying a cappuccino at his favorite Vatican café when he noticed black smoke billow from the chimney of the Sistine Chapel. “Obviously, I thought it was a sign,” Turkson said. “I mean, it was black smoke. I understood there would be smoke to tell tourists something about the new pope, so I just put two and two together.”

Cardinal Turkson admits that he immediately ran into the Sistine Chapel to claim his title as the first Black Pope. There, he quickly discovered that it simply meant a failed ballot. After learning the news, Turkson reportedly said, “Whatever, I’m over it. I only threw my name in the pope hat because I was bored; I’ve got plenty of stuff to do Continue reading →

Hugo Chavez: The Death of a Great Leader and a Beautiful Voice

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Hugo Chavez in visita a Milano

Hugo Chavez, Venezuela’s greatest leader and singer is dead, along with many Venezuelans hope for the future. Before Chavez, Venezuela was renowned as “the world’s most mediocre country,” but Chavez’s forward thinking and pitch-perfect voice allowed Venezuela’s exports to skyrocket and its murder rate to drop exponentially.

Chavez was a modest, loving man whose witticisms rivaled those of Oscar Wilde. China’s president Hu Jintao claimed that once Chavez had the U.N. council “rolling on the floor laughing” after a string of quips about fossil fuels and human rights. Continue reading →

Paul Ryan Announces Bid for Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Action Figure

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Paul Ryan (Photo credit: Gage Skidmore)

In a press conference yesterday from his home in Janesville, WI, Representative Paul Ryan announced his intent to purchase a mint 1988 TMNT Leonardo action figure from the online auction website eBay.

“I have a deep respect for all of our nation’s heroes,” said Ryan, “but we must also remember our heroes in a half shell. Decades ago four teenage turtles encountered a toxic ooze that transformed them into humanoid turtle people. And just as our troops are fighting the good battle against al-Qaeda and the Muslim hordes, together these turtles battled tirelessly against Shredder and his goons so that today we may enjoy the benefits of freedom.” Continue reading →

The Pope Admits Fondling Boys Is Not For Everyone

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English: Pope Benedict XVI (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

After a long series of abuse scandals plagued the Catholic Church, Pope Benedict XVI is stepping down. “I admit, fondling boys is not for everyone,” the Pope said to Diego Fellini with Vatican Weekly. “But let’s not forget, it’s their life and it’s not like they’re ‘hurting’ anyone.”

Fellini asked the Pope what he thought about the trauma some of these boys are experiencing. “Personally, I’ve never been a fan of whiners,” the Pope said. “These boys talk as if being tenderly touched by a man of the cloth is the same as being crucified as you know who! I’m tired of people crying over spilled milk, which is just one more reason I’m retiring.”

Later in the interview, Fellini inquired why some Priests get too “handsy” with the boys. “It’s simple,” the Pope said. “They’re bored. What
these Priests did is no different than throwing Continue reading →

George Bush: The Lonely Artist

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A hacker recently released three untitled paintings stolen from George Bush’s email. And might we say, they’re nothing short of spectacular. George Bush has been long revered as one of America’s greatest leaders, but now many believe he is also America’s most brilliant living artist.

Continue reading →

The New Porker

Welcome to the Pigpen!