Egypt’s Armed Forces blow up pyramids with explosives
Egypt’s Armed Forces shocked the world this week after demolishing its renowned pyramids with high-powered explosives.
In an exclusive New Porker interview, Egypt’s Defense Minister, Abdul Fattah al-Sisi, discusses the top reasons why Egypt’s Army demolished the pyramids.
“You wouldn’t know it from their stony exterior,” al-Sisi said, “But all the pyramids were infested with termites.” Continue reading
Kim Jong-un in front of new North Korean flag. He replaced the red star with ‘Chuck,’ the yellow Angry Bird.
CIA agents who inspected Asiana Fight 214, which recently crashed at the San Francisco airport, en route from Seoul—immediately smelled foul play upon entering the plane.
After using CIA-style interrogation tactics on the captain of the Asiana, in an attempt to “further their investigation,” CIA agents discovered the pilot was hired by Kim Jong- un to crash the airliner into the Golden Gate Bridge. Continue reading
Rare photo of Paula Deen in Nigeria
Due to allegations of racism, Paula Deen’s cooking empire continues to crumble like the crust of her famous Apple Crumb Pie. In a radical publicity stunt, Deen moved to Nigeria in an attempt to repair her tarnished image within the African American community and regain support from her corporate sponsors.
Deen has already filmed and broadcast her new African-inspired cooking show, Paula’s Skin and Skewer Hoedown, on the popular Nigerian television network, NTA. The first episode features Deen, garbed in a colorful lion-print dashiki and a purple Gele head wrap, purchasing a Nigerian dwarf goat from a villager in a straw hut. Deen then proceeds to tie the goat to a tree, “Watch Continue reading
Fox News Channel (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
Every four minutes another satirical news site is born on the world wide web. Even Google News now includes satirical journalism in their feed, leaving hundreds confused and upset every day. Groups of people and concerned organizations fed up with this ironic trend have threatened to take legal action against the satirical superpowers, The Onion and Fox News, hoping to scare off burgeoning satire sites and put an end to “fake news” around the world.
“I can’t trust anything anymore,” said Samuel Buckwell, a victim of deceitful journalism. “For years I religiously read The Onion and Fox News because I thought their stories were true and reliable. Well, you can imagine how Continue reading
English: NASA StarChild image of Stephen Hawking. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
In a recent discovery, Stephen Hawking identified a newly developed genetic mutation in men he coined the Rainbow Gene. Hawking believes this mutation has evolved as a natural result of overpopulation.
In his laboratory notes, Hawking observes that the Rainbow Gene is unquestionably the “finest coifed gene in the double-helix.” He predicts it will cause all men to become bi-sexual by 2016. And by 2020, Hawking estimates that all men will evolve into “full-fledged gaydom.”
Hawking unveiled his findings at a recent TED Talk at Cambridge University, where he had long been a professor of Mathematics. Hawking’s fear of overpopulation has forced him into early retirement where he now obsessively researches the human genome. Continue reading
Thurmond Jones, a 63 year old retired lumberjack from Hood River, Oregon is causing a stir with his vocal protest of hipsters wearing flannels.
Speaking at town hall meetings and on his popular YouTube channel, Thurmond is determined to get word out about hipsters’ misuse of the lumberjack uniform. “Back in the day, we lumberjacks wore flannels like Hell’s Angel’s wear ‘Deadhead’ patches. Only real lumberjacks got to wear them; it was like being in a gang. If we caught some wannabe lumberjack square bear with no hair on his chest sporting a flannel in our woods, we’d rip that shirt right off his back and make him keester an ax handle. You disrespect the ax we’d lumberjack you up.” Continue reading
(Photo credit: Wikipedia)
In an attempt to make Latin Americans feel more welcome in San Francisco, the Golden Gate Bridge district board of directors passed a measure that will allow commuters to pay tolls using pesos. Taking effect May 1st, the measure will also be in conjunction with the renaming and rededication of the bridge, to be called: The Golden Gate Bridge to Diversity.
Tollbooth operators began rigorous training this week on converting the $6 dollar toll fee into pesos. Veteran tollbooth employee, Frank Harry, said “I always strive to be a good employee; but, I just don’t think it’s right charging people 73 pesos to cross the bridge. It’s literally highway robbery. I’m a San Francisco native and a firm believer in equality. So whether you’re paying with dollars or pesos the toll should be equal. It’s only fair.” Continue reading
Photo of McDonald’s McRib. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
McDonald’s has long claimed the mysterious meaty-substance inside the McRib is pork-shoulder, but new DNA evidence from Consumer Reports reveals McDonald’s savory little secret: The McRib is made from horse meat.
This disturbing news feels reminiscent of that scene from Soylent Green where New Yorkers discover the tasty green wafers they’ve all been enjoying are really made from ground-up people—but perhaps this is even worse. Now millions of McRibbies must face the fact they’ve been chomping on horseflesh this whole time. But as one McRibbie put it while chewing into a McRib, “This is highly upsetting—yet, extremely delicious.” Continue reading
Carnival Cruise Lines (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
Carnival Cruise is currently requesting donations from passengers who were left stranded on a broken-down cruise ship for three extra days in the heart of the Arctic Ocean.
Carnival spokesman Chezy Leibowitz claims, “Carnival Cruise did not originally agree on giving passengers an extended three day vacation before setting sail. We’ve heard a lot of griping from some of these passengers, but they weren’t complaining while they enjoyed an additional three days of complimentary pizza, soda, a round of miniature golf—not to mention free room and board on the best cruise ship in the business. I mean, come on! I’m sorry they had to enjoy fun in the Artic sun for an extended period! Only in America do people whine about having to stay on vacation longer or missing an episode of survivor.” Continue reading
The New Porker 