Author Archives: Pat Johnson

About Pat Johnson

The New Porker strives to slap our readers with stories straight off the pig's back. We sizzle our stories in grease and serve them hot off the griddle: tasty, salty, and with a hearty crunch. Unlike other online periodicals, The New Porker is not afraid to reach elbow-deep into the bowels of truth. We provide our readers with fatty perspectives, harder to chew than grizzle. But as they say, the longer you chew, the closer you are to the swallow. Email us at: info@thenewporker.com

African Cardinal Mistakes Black Smoke As Victory

2 Replies

English: Cardinal Peter Turkson: (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

VATICAN CITY—Cardinal Peter Turkson of Ghana misinterprets the black smoke released from the Sistine Chapel as sign that he was elected the new pope.

Cardinal Turkson was enjoying a cappuccino at his favorite Vatican café when he noticed black smoke billow from the chimney of the Sistine Chapel. “Obviously, I thought it was a sign,” Turkson said. “I mean, it was black smoke. I understood there would be smoke to tell tourists something about the new pope, so I just put two and two together.”

Cardinal Turkson admits that he immediately ran into the Sistine Chapel to claim his title as the first Black Pope. There, he quickly discovered that it simply meant a failed ballot. After learning the news, Turkson reportedly said, “Whatever, I’m over it. I only threw my name in the pope hat because I was bored; I’ve got plenty of stuff to do Continue reading →

Bob Ross Faked Death to Follow his Calling as Banksy

Leave a reply

The Joy of Painting (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

In an exclusive New Porker interview, the artist formerly known as Bob Ross reveals he faked his 1995 death so that he could pursue his true calling: as the enigmatic, graffiti provocateur, Banksy.

Ross is best known for his PBS series The Joy of Painting, where he taught audiences how to paint landscapes and small animals. “In the beginning, I was just happy to be making a living painting,” Ross said, stroking his rescued hedgehog Tonto, in an undisclosed bunker in London. “But PBS took advantage of my passion for art and locked me into a lifetime contract, or as I called it: indentured servitude. I was shackled to their corporate canvas.” Continue reading →

Hugo Chavez: The Death of a Great Leader and a Beautiful Voice

2 Replies

Hugo Chavez in visita a Milano

Hugo Chavez, Venezuela’s greatest leader and singer is dead, along with many Venezuelans hope for the future. Before Chavez, Venezuela was renowned as “the world’s most mediocre country,” but Chavez’s forward thinking and pitch-perfect voice allowed Venezuela’s exports to skyrocket and its murder rate to drop exponentially.

Chavez was a modest, loving man whose witticisms rivaled those of Oscar Wilde. China’s president Hu Jintao claimed that once Chavez had the U.N. council “rolling on the floor laughing” after a string of quips about fossil fuels and human rights. Continue reading →

Paul Ryan Announces Bid for Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Action Figure

2 Replies

Paul Ryan (Photo credit: Gage Skidmore)

In a press conference yesterday from his home in Janesville, WI, Representative Paul Ryan announced his intent to purchase a mint 1988 TMNT Leonardo action figure from the online auction website eBay.

“I have a deep respect for all of our nation’s heroes,” said Ryan, “but we must also remember our heroes in a half shell. Decades ago four teenage turtles encountered a toxic ooze that transformed them into humanoid turtle people. And just as our troops are fighting the good battle against al-Qaeda and the Muslim hordes, together these turtles battled tirelessly against Shredder and his goons so that today we may enjoy the benefits of freedom.” Continue reading →

The Pope Admits Fondling Boys Is Not For Everyone

1 Reply

English: Pope Benedict XVI (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

After a long series of abuse scandals plagued the Catholic Church, Pope Benedict XVI is stepping down. “I admit, fondling boys is not for everyone,” the Pope said to Diego Fellini with Vatican Weekly. “But let’s not forget, it’s their life and it’s not like they’re ‘hurting’ anyone.”

Fellini asked the Pope what he thought about the trauma some of these boys are experiencing. “Personally, I’ve never been a fan of whiners,” the Pope said. “These boys talk as if being tenderly touched by a man of the cloth is the same as being crucified as you know who! I’m tired of people crying over spilled milk, which is just one more reason I’m retiring.”

Later in the interview, Fellini inquired why some Priests get too “handsy” with the boys. “It’s simple,” the Pope said. “They’re bored. What
these Priests did is no different than throwing Continue reading →

McDonald’s Confesses the McRib is Made from Horse Meat

3 Replies

Photo of McDonald’s McRib. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

McDonald’s has long claimed the mysterious meaty-substance inside the McRib is pork-shoulder, but new DNA evidence from Consumer Reports reveals McDonald’s savory little secret: The McRib is made from horse meat.

This disturbing news feels reminiscent of that scene from Soylent Green where New Yorkers discover the tasty green wafers they’ve all been enjoying are really made from ground-up people—but perhaps this is even worse. Now millions of McRibbies must face the fact they’ve been chomping on horseflesh this whole time. But as one McRibbie put it while chewing into a McRib, “This is highly upsetting—yet, extremely delicious.” Continue reading →

Carnival Cruise Requests Donations from Marooned Passengers

Leave a reply

Carnival Cruise Lines (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Carnival Cruise is currently requesting donations from passengers who were left stranded on a broken-down cruise ship for three extra days in the heart of the Arctic Ocean.

Carnival spokesman Chezy Leibowitz claims, “Carnival Cruise did not originally agree on giving passengers an extended three day vacation before setting sail. We’ve heard a lot of griping from some of these passengers, but they weren’t complaining while they enjoyed an additional three days of complimentary pizza, soda, a round of miniature golf—not to mention free room and board on the best cruise ship in the business. I mean, come on! I’m sorry they had to enjoy fun in the Artic sun for an extended period! Only in America do people whine about having to stay on vacation longer or missing an episode of survivor.” Continue reading →

George Bush: The Lonely Artist

5 Replies

A hacker recently released three untitled paintings stolen from George Bush’s email. And might we say, they’re nothing short of spectacular. George Bush has been long revered as one of America’s greatest leaders, but now many believe he is also America’s most brilliant living artist.

Continue reading →

“Zero Dark Thirty” Review: Kathryn Big-ol’-ho Stole My Movie!

Leave a reply

One thing most people don’t know about Zero Dark Thirty is: KATHERYN BIG-OL’-HO STOLE IT FROM ME!!!! Yep, that’s right! Big-ol’-ho hijacked my script and I demand recognition, as well as an Oscar (assuming she/I win one). Zero Dark Thirty was essentially my idea! The main difference between my script and hers is that mine is based on a True Story about my uncle Francis T. Burglebarker, titled: Francis Turns Thirty.

Four years ago I regretfully sent Kathryn Big-ol’-ho my only copy of Francis Turns Thirty in hopes of getting it produced. All I received back from her was a “thank you” card covered in kittens that said: “Thanks for the script. I’m not sure if you’ve seen the Hurt Locker, but I kinda only make good (emphasis on good) movies. Good luck with your sucky script and life. Love, Kat.” Continue reading →

Super Bowl 2013 Power Outage: A Publicity Stunt for the New Nerf Nite Brite Football

Leave a reply

The Superdome “power failure” during this year’s Super Bowl 2013, according to our sources, was actually an elaborate marketing ploy by Nerf to advertise their new Nite Brite Glow In The Dark Football.

Nerf and The NFL previously agreed on a 500 million dollar deal that would require the 49ers and Ravens to play one down during the Super Bowl with the Nerf Nite Brite football during a supposed black out.

Unfortunately for Nerf, the associate responsible for providing the Nite Brite football called out “sick” right before the power failure as an act of protest against the child labor mills that produce the Nite Brite footballs in the Philippines. According to a Nerf engineer, the chemical used to make the new Nite Brite footballs glow, is actually the same toxic, radioactive substance that is used in Nuclear Warheads.

Sorry Nerf, but it looks like your $500 million dollar publicity stunt just spiraled down the drain.