The New Porker strives to slap our readers with stories straight off the pig's back. We sizzle our stories in grease and serve them hot off the griddle: tasty, salty, and with a hearty crunch. Unlike other online periodicals, The New Porker is not afraid to reach elbow-deep into the bowels of truth. We provide our readers with fatty perspectives, harder to chew than grizzle. But as they say, the longer you chew, the closer you are to the swallow.
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Margaret Thatcher’s request to have pop singer Justin Bieber perform at her funeral was believed to be a hoax, until the Thatcher family made Margaret’s official funeral arrangements public.
“Throughout the years, my reputation as ‘Iron Lady’ has led many to believe that I’m a soulless, cold curmudgeon,” Thatcher wrote in her funeral arrangements. “That depiction of me couldn’t be further from the truth. Deep down inside me lives little Maggie Thatcher, who’s just as vulnerable as anybody.” Continue reading →
Thurmond Jones, a 63 year old retired lumberjack from Hood River, Oregon is causing a stir with his vocal protest of hipsters wearing flannels.
Speaking at town hall meetings and on his popular YouTube channel, Thurmond is determined to get word out about hipsters’ misuse of the lumberjack uniform. “Back in the day, we lumberjacks wore flannels like Hell’s Angel’s wear ‘Deadhead’ patches. Only real lumberjacks got to wear them; it was like being in a gang. If we caught some wannabe lumberjack square bear with no hair on his chest sporting a flannel in our woods, we’d rip that shirt right off his back and make him keester an ax handle. You disrespect the ax we’d lumberjack you up.” Continue reading →
In an attempt to make Latin Americans feel more welcome in San Francisco, the Golden Gate Bridge district board of directors passed a measure that will allow commuters to pay tolls using pesos. Taking effect May 1st, the measure will also be in conjunction with the renaming and rededication of the bridge, to be called: The Golden Gate Bridge to Diversity.
Tollbooth operators began rigorous training this week on converting the $6 dollar toll fee into pesos. Veteran tollbooth employee, Frank Harry, said “I always strive to be a good employee; but, I just don’t think it’s right charging people 73 pesos to cross the bridge. It’s literally highway robbery. I’m a San Francisco native and a firm believer in equality. So whether you’re paying with dollars or pesos the toll should be equal. It’s only fair.” Continue reading →
English: Cardinal Peter Turkson: (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
VATICAN CITY—Cardinal Peter Turkson of Ghana misinterprets the black smoke released from the Sistine Chapel as sign that he was elected the new pope.
Cardinal Turkson was enjoying a cappuccino at his favorite Vatican café when he noticed black smoke billow from the chimney of the Sistine Chapel. “Obviously, I thought it was a sign,” Turkson said. “I mean, it was black smoke. I understood there would be smoke to tell tourists something about the new pope, so I just put two and two together.”
Cardinal Turkson admits that he immediately ran into the Sistine Chapel to claim his title as the first Black Pope. There, he quickly discovered that it simply meant a failed ballot. After learning the news, Turkson reportedly said, “Whatever, I’m over it. I only threw my name in the pope hat because I was bored; I’ve got plenty of stuff to do Continue reading →
In an exclusive New Porker interview, the artist formerly known as Bob Ross reveals he faked his 1995 death so that he could pursue his true calling: as the enigmatic, graffiti provocateur, Banksy.
Ross is best known for his PBS series The Joy of Painting, where he taught audiences how to paint landscapes and small animals. “In the beginning, I was just happy to be making a living painting,” Ross said, stroking his rescued hedgehog Tonto, in an undisclosed bunker in London. “But PBS took advantage of my passion for art and locked me into a lifetime contract, or as I called it: indentured servitude. I was shackled to their corporate canvas.” Continue reading →
Hugo Chavez, Venezuela’s greatest leader and singer is dead, along with many Venezuelans hope for the future. Before Chavez, Venezuela was renowned as “the world’s most mediocre country,” but Chavez’s forward thinking and pitch-perfect voice allowed Venezuela’s exports to skyrocket and its murder rate to drop exponentially.
Chavez was a modest, loving man whose witticisms rivaled those of Oscar Wilde. China’s president Hu Jintao claimed that once Chavez had the U.N. council “rolling on the floor laughing” after a string of quips about fossil fuels and human rights. Continue reading →
In a press conference yesterday from his home in Janesville, WI, Representative Paul Ryan announced his intent to purchase a mint 1988 TMNT Leonardo action figure from the online auction website eBay.
“I have a deep respect for all of our nation’s heroes,” said Ryan, “but we must also remember our heroes in a half shell. Decades ago four teenage turtles encountered a toxic ooze that transformed them into humanoid turtle people. And just as our troops are fighting the good battle against al-Qaeda and the Muslim hordes, together these turtles battled tirelessly against Shredder and his goons so that today we may enjoy the benefits of freedom.” Continue reading →