Author Archives: Pat Johnson

About Pat Johnson

The New Porker strives to slap our readers with stories straight off the pig's back. We sizzle our stories in grease and serve them hot off the griddle: tasty, salty, and with a hearty crunch. Unlike other online periodicals, The New Porker is not afraid to reach elbow-deep into the bowels of truth. We provide our readers with fatty perspectives, harder to chew than grizzle. But as they say, the longer you chew, the closer you are to the swallow. Email us at: info@thenewporker.com

Venmo Hates Cuba: My Three Year Feud with Venmo Compliance

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It all started with a harmless Cuba comment on Venmo, a monies sharing app that allows you to split purchases and repay people as long as those people are not Cuban, from Cuba, or are named Cuba, Kuba, or anything related to Cuba. Repaying a friend for a Cuban sandwich is a big no-no with Venmo.

Over the past three years, Venmo and I had a series of heated exchanges regarding my Cuban-related payment comments that actually had nothing to do with Cuba the country, but Cuba the word. Continue reading →

Egypt’s Armed Forces Demolish Pyramids

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Egypt’s Armed Forces blow up pyramids with explosives

Egypt’s Armed Forces shocked the world this week after demolishing its renowned pyramids with high-powered explosives.

In an exclusive New Porker interview, Egypt’s Defense Minister, Abdul Fattah al-Sisi, discusses the top reasons why Egypt’s Army demolished the pyramids.

“You wouldn’t know it from their stony exterior,” al-Sisi said, “But all the pyramids were infested with termites.” Continue reading →

Asiana Flight 214 Pilot Hired by Kim Jong-un to Crash Plane into Golden Gate Bridge

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Kim Jung Un in front of new North Korean flag. He replaced the red star with 'Chuck,' the yellow Angry Bird.

Kim Jong-un in front of new North Korean flag. He replaced the red star with ‘Chuck,’ the yellow Angry Bird.

CIA agents who inspected Asiana Fight 214, which recently crashed at the San Francisco airport, en route from Seoul—immediately smelled foul play upon entering the plane.

After using CIA-style interrogation tactics on the captain of the Asiana, in an attempt to “further their investigation,” CIA agents discovered the pilot was hired by Kim Jong- un to crash the airliner into the Golden Gate Bridge. Continue reading →

Paula Deen Moves to Nigeria in an Attempt to Repair her Image with African Americans

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Rare photo of Paula Deen in Nigeria

Due to allegations of racism, Paula Deen’s cooking empire continues to crumble like the crust of her famous Apple Crumb Pie. In a radical publicity stunt, Deen moved to Nigeria in an attempt to repair her tarnished image within the African American community and regain support from her corporate sponsors.

Deen has already filmed and broadcast her new African-inspired cooking show, Paula’s Skin and Skewer Hoedown, on the popular Nigerian television network, NTA. The first episode features Deen, garbed in a colorful lion-print dashiki and a purple Gele head wrap, purchasing a Nigerian dwarf goat from a villager in a straw hut. Deen then proceeds to tie the goat to a tree, “Watch Continue reading →

The World is Sick and Satired of Phony News

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Fox News Channel (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Every four minutes another satirical news site is born on the world wide web. Even Google News now includes satirical journalism in their feed, leaving hundreds confused and upset every day. Groups of people and concerned organizations fed up with this ironic trend have threatened to take legal action against the satirical superpowers, The Onion and Fox News, hoping to scare off burgeoning satire sites and put an end to “fake news” around the world.

“I can’t trust anything anymore,” said Samuel Buckwell, a victim of deceitful journalism. “For years I religiously read The Onion and Fox News because I thought their stories were true and reliable. Well, you can imagine how Continue reading →

Stephen Hawking Discovers Groundbreaking ‘Rainbow Gene’ Believed to Turn All Men Gay by 2020

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English: NASA StarChild image of Stephen Hawking. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

In a recent discovery, Stephen Hawking identified a newly developed genetic mutation in men he coined the Rainbow Gene. Hawking believes this mutation has evolved as a natural result of overpopulation.

In his laboratory notes, Hawking observes that the Rainbow Gene is unquestionably the “finest coifed gene in the double-helix.” He predicts it will cause all men to become bi-sexual by 2016. And by 2020, Hawking estimates that all men will evolve into “full-fledged gaydom.”

Hawking unveiled his findings at a recent TED Talk at Cambridge University, where he had long been a professor of Mathematics. Hawking’s fear of overpopulation has forced him into early retirement where he now obsessively researches the human genome. Continue reading →

Chargers’ Head Coach Concerned about Manti Te’o’s Invisible Friend

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Manti Te’o (Photo credit: Hoosierguy Jeff)

Charger’s head coach, Mike McCoy, was both concerned and intrigued after learning his 2nd draft pick, Manti Te’o, has an invisible friend.

Last year Te’o’s imaginary dead girlfriend hoax both angered fans and lowered his draft stock. McCoy was justifiably skeptical when the defensive linebacker claimed that his new invisible friend was named ‘God’—the “Grandmaster of Defense.” Continue reading →

At Margaret Thatcher’s Funeral, Justin Bieber Makes New ‘Beliebers’

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HUGO CORREIA / REUTERS

Margaret Thatcher’s request to have pop singer Justin Bieber perform at her funeral was believed to be a hoax, until the Thatcher family made Margaret’s official funeral arrangements public.

“Throughout the years, my reputation as ‘Iron Lady’ has led many to believe that I’m a soulless, cold curmudgeon,” Thatcher wrote in her funeral arrangements. “That depiction of me couldn’t be further from the truth. Deep down inside me lives little Maggie Thatcher, who’s just as vulnerable as anybody.” Continue reading →

Lumberjack has Ax to Grind with Hipsters

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Thurmond Jones, a 63 year old retired lumberjack from Hood River, Oregon is causing a stir with his vocal protest of hipsters wearing flannels.

Speaking at town hall meetings and on his popular YouTube channel, Thurmond is determined to get word out about hipsters’ misuse of the lumberjack uniform. “Back in the day, we lumberjacks wore flannels like Hell’s Angel’s wear ‘Deadhead’ patches. Only real lumberjacks got to wear them; it was like being in a gang. If we caught some wannabe lumberjack square bear with no hair on his chest sporting a flannel in our woods, we’d rip that shirt right off his back and make him keester an ax handle. You disrespect the ax we’d lumberjack you up.” Continue reading →

San Francisco’s Golden Gate Bridge Now Accepts Pesos

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The Golden Gate Bridge and San Francisco, CA a...

(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

In an attempt to make Latin Americans feel more welcome in San Francisco, the Golden Gate Bridge district board of directors passed a measure that will allow commuters to pay tolls using pesos. Taking effect May 1^st, the measure will also be in conjunction with the renaming and rededication of the bridge, to be called: The Golden Gate Bridge to Diversity.

Tollbooth operators began rigorous training this week on converting the $6 dollar toll fee into pesos. Veteran tollbooth employee, Frank Harry, said “I always strive to be a good employee; but, I just don’t think it’s right charging people 73 pesos to cross the bridge. It’s literally highway robbery. I’m a San Francisco native and a firm believer in equality. So whether you’re paying with dollars or pesos the toll should be equal. It’s only fair.” Continue reading →