It all started with a harmless Cuba comment on Venmo, a monies sharing app that allows you to split purchases and repay people as long as those people are not Cuban, from Cuba, or are named Cuba, Kuba, or anything related to Cuba. Repaying a friend for a Cuban sandwich is a big no-no with Venmo.
Over the past three years, Venmo and I had a series of heated exchanges regarding my Cuban-related payment comments that actually had nothing to do with Cuba the country, but Cuba the word.
Some may say I trolled Venmo’s Cuban-sniffing commie-catching system, but as you will see by my explanations, it was all one big misunderstanding that, unfortunately, lead to Venmo transferring my transaction to the U.S. Treasury’s Office of Foreign Assets Control (OFAC) for review, which, at the time of this post, has yet to release my funds.
To enlarge the text of the responses below, click on the image (I know the text is small).
I was too offended to even respond. Is the way my girlfriend and I share our love with the good people of Cuba untraditional? Perhaps. But get off your Puritanical pedestal, Venmo! It’s the 21st century. If you got a problem with the way I express my affection, then you can just march right back onto the Mayflower and sail back to the antiseptic land of rubber glove love making. The only thing humorous, Compliance, is how you pleasure your partner through a hole in a cotton sheet because you’re afraid of catching cooties! Ya Prude…
My account remained frozen and the transaction on hold for about six months, until they released my funds without any notice. But three years later Venmo Compliance and I would meet again over another cup of Cuba served cold.
Apparently my explanation sufficed as Compliance had no further questions….
However, it wasn’t long before Cold War tensions between Compliance and I escalated into another game of tug of war with poor “Kuba” caught in the middle.
And this concludes my three year war with the Venmo Gestapo. They may have won the battle, but just wait until my Uncle Tommy Bones is president.
We’ll see who complies with who when President Bones rules the world.
Tommy Bones always wins.
Tommy Bones never forgets.
Tommy Bones always repays his debts.