Egypt’s Armed Forces shocked the world this week after demolishing its renowned pyramids with high-powered explosives.
In an exclusive New Porker interview, Egypt’s Defense Minister, Abdul Fattah al-Sisi, discusses the top reasons why Egypt’s Army demolished the pyramids.
“You wouldn’t know it from their stony exterior,” al-Sisi said, “But all the pyramids were infested with termites.”
He insisted it’s “an old wives tale” that the pyramids were made entirely from stone, and claimed that they were actually supported primarily from the wood of mulberry trees harvested near the Nile River. “They were basically ticking time bombs, and either required immediate renovation or total removal before they toppled down on some unexpecting tourists.”
“The support beams were so hollow from years of hungry termites,” al-Sisi continued, “They may as well have been mummy bones. We considered fumigating the pyramids, but we couldn’t find tents big enough for a job of that magnitude. Anyways, the damage was already done.”
“But you know who we should blame for the pyramids’ demise, don’t you?” al-Sisi slammed his desk. “Who built the pyramids in the first place? That’s right—the Jews! If those lazy swindlers had sealed the beams properly, we wouldn’t be in this fiasco. You can see why Egyptians don’t trust them. They’ve been sabotaging us from the beginning.”
“Termites and Jews aside, do you know how difficult and costly it would have been to replace all the cat fur carpets that were glued with mulberry tree sap to the pyramid floors?” al-Sisi continued. “You can’t imagine the anguish those carpets caused tourists with cat allergies. We tried vacuuming them—you know, to help with the dander. But the vacuums quickly clogged. One custodian was even burned to death after the highly flammable cat fur inside a vacuum bag sparked and burst into a fireball. It was a truly tragic ordeal.”
Later in the interview, al-Sisi said, “Every year Egypt is ranked the least handicap friendly country in the world. Know why? Here’s a hint: The pyramids. Ancient architects may not have thought it necessary for the pyramids to be wheelchair accessible, but our Egyptian Counsel of Armed Forces did. If cripples can’t enjoy the pyramids due to the lack of ramps and elevators, then no one should. Egypt today does not share the same backwards anti-handicap thinking of the Pharaohs from yesterday. If we continue taking steps such as these, Egypt will be as progressive as Amsterdam and Sweden in no time.”
When asked why the Armed Forces tore down the pyramids instead of repairing them, al-Sisi replied, “After analyzing the costs to rebuild their foundations, and the time and money it’d take to install windows and the proper ventilation to bring the pyramids up to Egyptian code, it was clearly too expensive. Not to mention,” al-Sisi said with a smile, “they were hardly worth saving. I mean, they were so tacky.”
Our correspondent followed up by asking al-Sisi if the Armed Forces planned to build anything in place of the pyramids. “Well,” he said, “One council member suggested we turn the empty plots into posh hotels. We planned on modeling them after the famous Luxor Hotel in Los Vegas. But we eventually concluded the Egyptian citizens would probably whine and protest about it like they do with everything else we give them now-a-days.”
“Long story short,” al-Sisi concluded, “We’re planning to build homeless shelters where the pyramids used to stand—you know, as a gesture of good faith to those whose homes we may have accidentally blown up during the protests. It wasn’t anything personal. We’re really a bunch of softies when you get to know us.”
Our New Porker correspondent asked Henry Mohammed, a protestor in Tahrir Square, what he thought of the destruction of the pyramids. He said, “The common Egyptian has bigger things to worry about than some old-fashion eyesores in the sand. The pyramids were nothing more than big billboards promoting the advantages of slavery, anyways.”
Mohammed took a bite of a falafel, “I’m glad the pyramids are gone. They wreaked havoc on the interstate. All the gawkers’ looky-looing the shit out of them on the freeway turned my 12 minute drive to work into 45 minutes of pure hell. Greatest Wonders of the World? Pft! More like biggest blunders, if you ask me.”