Due to allegations of racism, Paula Deen’s cooking empire continues to crumble like the crust of her famous Apple Crumb Pie. In a radical publicity stunt, Deen moved to Nigeria in an attempt to repair her tarnished image within the African American community and regain support from her corporate sponsors.
Deen has already filmed and broadcast her new African-inspired cooking show, Paula’s Skin and Skewer Hoedown, on the popular Nigerian television network, NTA. The first episode features Deen, garbed in a colorful lion-print dashiki and a purple Gele head wrap, purchasing a Nigerian dwarf goat from a villager in a straw hut. Deen then proceeds to tie the goat to a tree, “Watch closely, y’all! This here’s a secret Southern technique Pa taught ol’ Paula back when she was still in pampers.” With tender grace, Paula lifts the goats head back, slits its throat with a machete, and hangs it upside down from a tree limb to “bleed out.”
“Alrighty, y’all. Roll up them sleeves and take off your dress sandals! It’s gonna get a little messy! Now the trick is, honey, you want to saw from ear to ear—but don’t cut through that spine! Once you done that, all you have to do is use its hind legs to pump out all that icky blood.”
“Once the blood pours freely,” Deen continues, “you can drain some in a clay jar and give it to your little ones for finger painting.”
At this point, she grabs the goat by the horns with blood soaked hands and shoots her trademark Southern smile to the camera. “Now keep twisting its head, y’all, until you hear a little pop. Listen now—you hear that pop? Just like a kernel of corn frying in a buttered pan. Now give it a little yank and voila,” Deen holds up the severed goat head for the camera. “You see, their furry little noggins’ pop right off.”
Deen throws the head in a tin bucket and continues slicing the goat down the middle. “Every time I hear that pop it takes me back in time. Y’alls ever listen to The Chordettes? Now there’s some white gals who could keep a melody. Lollipop, lollipop, ooh lolli lolli lolli, lolli-Pop!” Deen popped her lips together and let out a hardy laugh, “Gets me every time.”
As Deen continues cutting into the goat’s hide, she says, “Skinning goats has brought me happiness I never knew possible. When I softly slip my blade under a goat’s hide, and gently pull it off like a peel on a fried plantain,” Deen stares dreamily at the Nigerian clouds, “all my troubles fade away like I’m soaking in a butter bath.”
The first episode of Paula’s Skin and Skewer Hoedown was a huge success, and several Nigerian companies have already signed on as sponsors. We asked Deen how she is managing the drastic move from Georgia to Nigeria. She replied, “Well, I’m still cooking, eating, and doin’ what I love. But sometimes, when I don’t see a familiar face when strolling through the village market, I have to remind myself—Paula, honey, you ain’t in Georgia no more. Yep, that’s probably going to be the hardest thing to get used to—no matter where I turn, I’m surrounded by friendly nig—I mean, Nigerians.”
©The New Porker – – DNJZQPCBJVEP
Hilarious. How ’bout: Paula Deen marries a Black man. LOL@thatone.
It’s funny you mention that, because our African correspondent actually witnessed Paula Deen and David Chapelle getting awful intimate at a Nigerian cafe. Could it be love? We’ll keep you updated as their relationship develops.
Now that would make news.
Now that would make news…for real. LOL
Oh, this just in: The Klu Klux Klan can be added to the numerous sponsors who have dropped Paula Deen.
Now that’s funny!LOL!!
Thanks, Kushite! We dig your site, too!
Thanks a lot! Greatly appreciated!!