In a recent discovery, Stephen Hawking identified a newly developed genetic mutation in men he coined the Rainbow Gene. Hawking believes this mutation has evolved as a natural result of overpopulation.
In his laboratory notes, Hawking observes that the Rainbow Gene is unquestionably the “finest coifed gene in the double-helix.” He predicts it will cause all men to become bi-sexual by 2016. And by 2020, Hawking estimates that all men will evolve into “full-fledged gaydom.”
Hawking unveiled his findings at a recent TED Talk at Cambridge University, where he had long been a professor of Mathematics. Hawking’s fear of overpopulation has forced him into early retirement where he now obsessively researches the human genome.
The TED Talk video, in which Hawking demonstrates a time-lapse clip he calls “The Straightfly to Gayfly Ratio,” immediately went viral. His research revealed that when male and female mayflies—or, “straightflies”—are left in an aquarium to mate, their population multiplies exponentially until the jar becomes overpopulated and hits the “gayfly threshold.”
After hitting the gayfly threshold, newly born mayflies develop the Rainbow Gene, which leads to an upsurge of hardcore male-on-male mayfly action.
According to Hawking, gayflies are quantifiably less violent and better groomed than their straightfly counterpart. And while straightflies distinctly smell like rancid eels, gayflies emit a sweet, cinnamon-like odor. Furthermore, the gayfly communities within the aquarium appear better landscaped than the Southern straightfly ghettos.
Hawking observed that straightflies often bullied gayflies when they ventured into this southern section, which prompted gayflies to keep to themselves. As the straightfly population declined, due to inbreeding, violence, and poor hygiene, gayflies slowly moved in to the southern sections and tidied up the damage straighflies left behind.
After most of the original straightflies died off, gayflies had free reign over the aquarium. Once the mayfly population declined and became more sustainable, new straightflies were born. Unlike their predecessors, however, second-generation straightflies were more tolerant, even-tempered, and conscious of pollution. It wasn’t long before straight, gay, and bi-flies were living in harmony within the aquarium.
Hawking’s discovery has set the world astir. A surge of businesses and organizations have already started preparing for a giant influx of gay men to sweep the world.
Walmart is discontinuing all baby boy products that are blue for colors “more suitable for gay babies.” Thousands of new students are enrolling in law schools in preparation for a rise in divorce. Paul Mitchell is building hundreds of new cosmetology schools across the country, and Barbra Streisand was reported saying, “I’m just looking forward to being back on top of the Billboard 100.”
But not everyone is happy about Hawking’s research. Christian “conversion camps” are popping up by the hundreds. Pastor Michael Schultz from Kentucky decried, “I don’t give two turds about all this queer science. God never mentioned nothing about no Adam and Steve in the Bible. They can holler about Rainbow Genes all they want, but I will never be a gay. Period. End of discussion.”
Hawking’s discovery has also caused several unexpected rivals to align. It is reported that 700 Club host, Pat Robertson, has joined forces with dozens of LGBT organizations. Both groups are dumping millions of dollars into research campaigns in an effort to debunk Hawking’s findings.
Mickey Maserati, a spokesman for GLADD, said during a private interview, “If everyone’s gay, then GLADD will go belly up. And if I’m out of a job, I won’t be able to afford bottomless mimosas at champagne brunch.”
In an attempt to subdue the expected gay migration of 2016, the City of San Francisco released the following statement: “Sorry, bandwagoners. No vacancy. You should have caught the gay-train here back in the 80’s.”
During a press conference held by the BBC, Hawking remarked, “In the Bible, God gave Noah a rainbow as a promise that he’d never flood the world again. But come 2016, whether you like it or not, it’s going to start raining men.” Hawking seemed to wink and said, “And I, for one, can’t wait. A-men.”