Thurmond Jones, a 63 year old retired lumberjack from Hood River, Oregon is causing a stir with his vocal protest of hipsters wearing flannels.
Speaking at town hall meetings and on his popular YouTube channel, Thurmond is determined to get word out about hipsters’ misuse of the lumberjack uniform. “Back in the day, we lumberjacks wore flannels like Hell’s Angel’s wear ‘Deadhead’ patches. Only real lumberjacks got to wear them; it was like being in a gang. If we caught some wannabe lumberjack square bear with no hair on his chest sporting a flannel in our woods, we’d rip that shirt right off his back and make him keester an ax handle. You disrespect the ax we’d lumberjack you up.”
Clad in his trademark red flannel and grizzly brown beard, Thurmond said in a recent town hall meeting, “Hipsters just came along and turned our flannels and beards into an ironic fashion trend. Swarms of them came waltzing in our woods with their Ray-Bans and skinny jeans, littering PBR tall cans across the forest floor while scaring wildlife with their crappy music and camera phone flashes so they could have some ‘sweet pics’ to show off on The Facebook.”
“We tried fighting back,” Thurmond said. “Lumberjacks across the U.S. were tearing flannels off of hipsters’ backs by the hundreds. During the height of this mayhem, we were spending more time stuffing ax handles up hipsters’ keesters than actually cutting down trees. These limp-dick hipster brats caused our business to suffer dearly. Big businesses with their high-powered chainsaws moved into town and put us old fashioned lumberjacks out of business.”
Sullen, Thurmond shook his head. “When all our forests are chopped down and the world is polluted by big business that turned our old-fashioned ax wielding ways into a thing of the past, you can thank the hipsters. Hipsters are not only responsible for killing our environment, but they’ve also killed the lumberjack by disrespecting our honorable flannels and woodsy ways.”
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