In a press conference yesterday from his home in Janesville, WI, Representative Paul Ryan announced his intent to purchase a mint 1988 TMNT Leonardo action figure from the online auction website eBay.
“I have a deep respect for all of our nation’s heroes,” said Ryan, “but we must also remember our heroes in a half shell. Decades ago four teenage turtles encountered a toxic ooze that transformed them into humanoid turtle people. And just as our troops are fighting the good battle against al-Qaeda and the Muslim hordes, together these turtles battled tirelessly against Shredder and his goons so that today we may enjoy the benefits of freedom.”
“This is not simply an attempt to purchase some random collectible,” Ryan continued, “but an effort to own a piece of authentic Americana, which we are steadily losing as Obama moves America closer to a Mohammed-loving, socialist doom.”
“Don’t get me wrong,” Ryan said, “I have nothing personally against Muslims or people of color. To be honest, I always pictured Leonardo as the Black one—you know, because of his killer athleticism and savvy street smarts. He was definitely the coolest, hands down.”
“Hopefully by now you can understand,” Ryan said, his tone becoming more hysterical, “why it is so important to me that I win that figure. Having Leonardo all to myself would really boost my confidence after having that election stolen from me.” Ryan’s eyes started tearing up. He abruptly ducked behind the podium, used eye drops, and popped a mouthful of Altoids. When he emerged he paused for a moment, said, “That’s all folks,” and exited the room.
At the time of this interview, Leonardo was still priced at $78 on eBay.
[Update: Leonardo was sold for $100.50 to a bidder other than Ryan.]