English: Pope Benedict XVI (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

After a long series of abuse scandals plagued the Catholic Church, Pope Benedict XVI is stepping down.  “I admit, fondling boys is not for everyone,” the Pope said to Diego Fellini with Vatican Weekly. “But let’s not forget, it’s their life and it’s not like they’re ‘hurting’ anyone.” 

Fellini asked the Pope what he thought about the trauma some of these boys are experiencing.  “Personally, I’ve never been a fan of whiners,” the Pope said.  “These boys talk as if being tenderly touched by a man of the cloth is the same as being crucified as you know who!  I’m tired of people crying over spilled milk, which is just one more reason I’m retiring.”

Later in the interview, Fellini inquired why some Priests get too “handsy” with the boys.  “It’s simple,” the Pope said.  “They’re bored. What
these Priests did is no different than throwing rocks at bottles when you’re a kid.  They just needed something to do.  You try spending 90% of your life alone with God!   I don’t know if you’ve prayed before, but He is no chatty Kathy.”

When asked what the Pope would do with his spare time after he retired, he claimed, “Very little is going to change.  I’ll still be the best Catholic in the world and keep spreading the good word to those who deserve it.  I’ll continue taking long naps and watching countless hours of Turner Classic Movies. And I was even thinking about opening a YMCA in Vatican City—you know, doing something nice for the boys. I know Priests operating a YMCA is going to be a touchy subject for people, but once this whole ‘abuse’ thing blows over, I think it’ll be a lot easier to swallow.”