Steven Spielturd’s “Lincoln” (Stinkoln) Review: Worst Documentary of the 21st Century

Steven Spielberg, director de la película Lincoln

Steven Spielberg, director de la película Lincoln (Photo credit: Casa de América)

A more apropos tagline for Lincoln might be: “Four snores and seven beers ago” –because seriously, not even a 6-pack could make this movie even mildly entertaining. Believe me, I tried.

The fact that Lincoln is arguably the worst documentary of the 21st century raises a bigger question: how long are we going to let this Spielturd keep shoveling his fecal-coated films down our throats until we finally rise up and say, “Spielturd, we’ve had enough.” He’s been making movies for—how many centuries now? and has yet to produce/direct one watchable film.

Here are a few examples:

  1. Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom— A.K.A. Tomb Raider
    Why haven’t more people mentioned the fact that Spielturd unabashedly stole Tomb Raider and mutated it into the stinking pile of feces we know today as The Temple of Doom. The only perceivable differences between these two films are: A) The sex of Indiana Jones and Lara Croft. Apparently, Spielturd doesn’t believe that women can be heroes, too—what a sexist crackerjack. B) The Temple of Doom, unlike Tomb Raider, perpetuates racist stereotypes such as “Orientals” only eat monkey brains and snake guts for dinner. I’ll have you know, Spielturd, my best friend Hadji (and no, he didn’t star in Jonny Quest) is an Oriental, and he was appalled by your depiction of his people. Probably the only historically accurate thing in The Temple of Doom is during the 1930s, 65% of Orientals, according to Hadji, performed human sacrifices to fake Gods, similar to the “Kali-ma” scene Indiana witnesses. But now, according to Hadji, only 15% of Orientals perform these sacrificial rituals; and for the record, that number is constantly declining. 
  1. Jaws

    Great score, bad movie.

    A coincidence that Jaws is only one letter away from “Jews” – I think not. Could it be that Jaws is simply a metaphor for Spielturds anti-Semitic fear of Jews?—I think so. Jaws is so bad that it gave me stomach cramps so severe that I had to hospitalized before I could finish watching it. The only reason I haven’t gone in the water since, is because I’m afraid that even being reminded of Jaws will trigger the cramps and I’ll drown. And don’t even get me started on Spielturd’s depiction of sharks. Maybe Jaws was just hungry because the humans in the movie remorselessly over fished his feeding grounds. Hunger pains will make any civilized creature crazy. Or maybe Jaws suffered from PTSD after witnessing his great aunty being de-finned by some Oriental who wanted to make Shark Fin Soup. You’d probably be pissed too if an Oriental de-finned your great aunty. Spielturd is a bully who picks on marginalized groups (i.e. Orientals, Jews, and Sharks), who lack a voice in the American public discourse.

  2. E.T.

    So far, I’ve given Spielturd (deservedly) a pretty hard time; but I really wanted to like this movie. Just as Daniel Day Lewis is currently nominated for his 2012 performance in Stinkoln, I really feel E.T. should have been nominated for an Oscar based on his out-of-this-world performance. I think we can all agree E.T.’s method acting was unquestionably better than Ben Kingsly’s (Oscar winner who unscrupulously stole Best Actor from E.T.) in his forgettable performance in Ghandi, or should I say Yawndi (Note to self: movies about “non-violence” are better sedatives than Ambien). To be fair, I never actually saw Ghandi; but let’s be honest, how interesting could a film about Yoga really be? And don’t even get me started on Spielturd’s portrayal of Extra Terrestrials in E.T.: brown, slimy, inarticulate, turds? Could he seriously get any more racist? E.T. is obviously a political propaganda film backed by Republicans who don’t want “illegal aliens” from Mexico trying to enter into America. Think about it: E.T.’s a brown alien who can barely speak English. Spielturd is fascist filmmaker who hates Latin Americans. He wants America to be for “whites only.” Sorry Spielturd, but as the great César Chavez once said: “El times are un changing.” That aside, I think my biggest problem with E.T. is the unbelievablity factor—a factor that could have been easily reconciled had Spielturd done any research about Mars before making this film: MARTIANS. ARE. GREEN!!!!

  3. Schindler’s List.

    Here’s another film I almost liked. Of course the blundering Spielturd had to ruin it though, with his lack of technological insight and his reoccurring racism. After doing some research of my own, I discovered that Schindler’s List was actually filmed in 1993. If you’re like me, when you first saw Schindler’s List you probably thought it was filmed in a more prehistoric era, considering it’s in black and white?!? Ever hear of color, Spielturd? Real directors have been using it since The Wizard of Oz. I mean, darkie flicks are better (barely) than listening to the radio, but why would I subject myself to B&W when there are so many good colored movies to choose from. Talk about a filmmaker faux pas. And don’t even get me started on his depiction of Nazis in this movie! If you haven’t already noticed, Spielturd likes kicking horses when they’re down. He might as well pick on sharks, aliens, and Orientals in his next film—oh, wait, that’s right, he’s already done that. Come on, Spielturd. Enough is enough. Yea, we know, Nazis are bad—but you know what’s worse? Your movies!!!

But I digress, let’s talk Lincoln.

Here’s the deal, Spielturd, if you’re going to make a documentary about America’s greatest 15th president, you better get your facts straight. My biggest problem with Lincoln is its ridiculous alternative ending.

If you’ve yet to see Lincoln, SPOILER ALERT: It Sucks! Also, Lincoln dies. But not the way it’s told in History books. Nope, Lincoln rewrites history with its clumsy alternative ending.

The scene opens in that famous theatre where Lincoln gets his brains blown out by James Earl Ray. But here’s the catch—Lincoln is nowhere to be found. A panicked man runs in and yells, “The President’s just been shocked.” Then it cut’s to Lincoln’s friends and family crowded around his bedside as he peacefully dozes into deadtown.

WHOOOA! Really, Spielturd? You’ve got some nerve. I looked around the theatre during this scene to see how others were reacting, and I must say, everyone looked just as “shocked” as I did. Everyone’s face in the theatre was saying the same thing: “What could possibly have shocked Lincoln so bad that it caused him to keel over?” My initial instinct was that Lincoln might have stuck his finger in an electrical socket or maybe stepped on a fallen power line. I actually had a great grandpa that was struck by lightning, but unlike Lincoln, he survived. Well, he kind of survived. He mostly stayed in our woodshed after his shock. He’d just sit there eating boxes of uncooked oatmeal and talking to these little figurines he whittled out wood. Poor, Gramps.

Because of my own personal experience with Gramps, I immediately thought Lincoln’s death in the film might be a commentary by Spielturd regarding the dangers of electricity; but after checking Wikipedia when I got home, although the 19th century was a big year for electricity, it was not readily available in homes during the time of Lincoln’s death; which leads me to believe something different shocked the President to death.

I might be reading into this too deep, but my personal theory is that Lincoln died after he walked in on Mary Lincoln and Thaddeus Stevens (Tommy Lee Jones) getting their sex on in the Oval Office. Now, let me be clear, I don’t have any specific evidence to back up this theory, but throughout the film there are dozens of scenes that expose the sexual tension brewing between Mary and Thaddeus. The reason Mary Todd Lincoln was so crazy in the first place (and there is evidence to back this up), is that Lincoln was so busy being the President (and a homosexual) that he had no time/interest to lay pipe/make love to his wife. Mary Lincoln had no choice but to have her sexual desires fulfilled elsewhere. Therefore, after adding up all of Spielturd’s clues, it’s pretty clear Lincoln is so betrayed, furious, aroused, and “shocked” when he catches Thaddeus laying into his wife, that his heart stops and he dies of a cardiac arrest. But unfortunately, Spielturd, you failed to give enough visible clues and markers to guide the majority of audiences to this alternative rendition of Lincoln’s fate.

Finally, sources informed me that the reason Spielturd devised an alternative ending for Lincoln in the first place is because he believed elementary school teachers would not play the movie in their classrooms because it would be “too gory” and give children the wrong message about solving disagreements with guns instead of with words. Market research suggests that History teachers in elementary schools will buy more Lincoln DVD’s than all other demographics combined; so Spielturd created a more “child-friendly” ending in order to appease teachers and his wallet.

Extra, Extra, this just in: money hungry Spielturd takes unwarranted “creative liberties” and distorts American history so he can line his pockets with teachers’ “blood money.” The American Government should have stopped production on this film because not only is it unpatriotic to fabricate the death of our Presidents and lie to children, but History teachers are going to use our tax dollars to buy the most deceptively distorted and downright despicable documentary of the decade.

Spielturd: Film auteur? More like film manure.

 

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2 thoughts on “Steven Spielturd’s “Lincoln” (Stinkoln) Review: Worst Documentary of the 21st Century

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